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Mr Bo's Favorite Jokes
What did the grape say
when I stepped on it Nothing it just let out a little whine.
Blond Jokes. Nun Jokes. Offensive Jokes. Sorority Jokes. Yo
Mama! Jokes. Light Bule Jokes.
What starts with an 'f'
and ends with a 'k' and if you don't get one, you just simply use
your hands...............A fork
How many lawyers does it take to wallpaper a room? It depends
on how thin you slice them. How many grad students does it take
to change.
Q: What's a blonde's
favorite nursery rhyme? A: Humpme Dumpme.
Some of you might find these jokes rather offensive or
disgusting. If you have anything against them, DON'T READ THEM!!!
A man shopping in a
supermarket brought his purchase of two cans of dog food to
the checkout counter. The cashier asked, "Sir, do you have a
dog?" "Yes." replied the man. "Well, where is
it?" asked the cashier. "I left him home." he
answered. "Sorry," the cashier said, "You can't
buy the dog food if I can't see the dog. That's the rules."
The next day he returned to the store and brought some cat food
to the checkout. "Do you have a cat?" asked the
cashier. "Yes," he said, "but I left him
home." "Sorry," she said, "If I can't see the
cat, I can't sell you the food. That's the rules." The next
day the man walked into the store with a brown paper bag. He
walked up to the cashier and said, "Here. Put your hand in
here." The cashier put her hand in and said, "It's soft
and warm. What is it?" The man replied, "I'd like three
rolls of toilet paper!"
Engineers Jokes. Joke #1 Programming Language Identification
Windows 95 and Jesus.
Q: How many
Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, Bill Gates will
just redefine Darkness (TM) as the new industry standard.
The Complete Set Of Blonde Jokes. As my note below states, I
believe this to be the most complete list of blonde jokes around.
Guy asks the
lawyer," don't you think $100 is alot of money to ask just 2
questions?" lawyer says" yes I do , what is your second
question?"
Jokes. Doctor, doctor, my wife is a kleptomaniac. Is she
taking anything for it?
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't,
and a lawyer should? A: Stick his bill up his ass.
(Humorous Page) Quotes & Jokes. This page has been
accessed. times. Quotes. Be pessimistically active. "Work
hard" just means hard, but doesn't mean work.
Man goes to see his
doctor about his test results. The doctor tells him, "I have
bad news. You have cancer AND you have alzheimer's." The man
says, "Whew! At least it's not cancer!"
THE BALLAD OF THE BOBBITT HILLBILLIES (Sung to the tune of the
Beverly Hillbillies) Come and listen to a story of a man named
John, A poor ex-Marine with..
Why did the energizer
Bunny take so long to go to the bathroom? Because he kept going
and going and going..
Golf Jokes - Golf Balls, Golfing Fun, and More Golf Jesus and
Arnold Palmer were playing golf. It's Arnold's turn to tee off,
and he does so. It's a long drive straight up the fairway, and
he's about a...
Why does and blonde only
change her baby's diaper every month? Because it said on the pack
"good for up to 20 pounds".
Element Administratum The 1996 Virus List. BOBBIT VIRUS.
Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it. (But
that part will never work again.)
Yo momma's SO POOR, She
Goes to KFC and licks other peoples fingers!
JOKES. DO YOU KNOW WHY THE SWEDE GOES AROUND IN THE DESERT
WITH A CAR DOOR? CAUSE IF IT GETS HOT HE'LL ROLL THE WINDOW
Q: what do you do with
365 used rubbers? A: Make a tire and call it a good year!
A Man in a Hotel Lobby. A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to
ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he
accidentally bumps.
Did you hear about the crazy guy that
tried to blow up a bus? He burned his lips on the tail pipe.
A Super Good Time. Superman's had a hard week of fighting
crime in Metropolis and is ready for some R&R. So Friday
afternoon he looks up his pals Batman...
What has 6 balls and
screws you twice a week? = Lotto.
Q: Where was Kato Kalin between 9 and 12?? A: In the fourth
grade.
Q: What do you call a
dog with no arms and no legs? A: Why bother ...
What did one lesbian frog say to the other? They're right, we
do taste like chicken.
How many Microsoft
progammers does it take to change a lightbulb? .. None, that's a
HARDWARE problem.
Light Bulb Jokes. Q: How many Windows programmers does it take
to change a light bulb? A: 472. One to write
WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to write...
A lawyer and a priest
are out golfing one day. On the fifth green the lawyer has an
easy putt for birdie but misses. "Dammit! I missed!"
screams the lawyer. "Oh," says the priest, "you
should not say that or God will strike you down." On the 12t
h hole again the lawyer misses an easy birdie. "Dammit! I
missed!" And again the priest warns "Careful, or God
will strike you down." Finally, at the 18th hole, just as he
is about to break the club record, the lawyer's grip slips and he
misses. "Dam mit! I missed!" screams the lawyer.
Suddenly the sky darkens. A deep rumble is heard and a lightening
bolt strikes down the priest. Then, from the sky, a loud booming
voice: "DAMMIT, I MISSED."
A Collection of Lawyer Jokes A Collection of Lawyer Jokes. Q
& A form jokes Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the
bottom of the ocean? A: A good start!
Did you hear about the
Lorena Bobbit Virus? It turns your hard drive into a 3 1/2 inch
floppy!
HughMoore1@aol.com
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Once upon a time, there
were three guys who were taken up a mountain to be shot. The
first guy yelled flood, and ran away. The second guy yelled
avalanche, and ran away. The third guy yelled fire. Bang......
Submitted Jokes of '96! January thru March Jokes. April thru
September Jokes. October thru December Jokes.
Three blondes were
driving to Disney World. When they got close they saw a sign that
read "Disney World: Left", so the turned around and
went home
"Star Trek Lost
Episodes" transcript.
"Mr. LaForge, have
you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in
the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their
command pathways?"
"Yes, Captain. In
fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on
late Twentieth-century computing technology."
"What the hell is
'Microsoft'?"
"Allow me to
explain. We will send this program, for some reason called
'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their
root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an
unstoppable rate."
"But the Borg have
the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems
to increase their storage capacity?"
"Yes, Captain. But
when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of
itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases
exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to
adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing
ability will be taken over and none will be available for their
normal operational functions."
"Excellent work.
This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape'
idea."
. . . 15 Minutes Later .
. .
"Captain, We have
successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as
expected it immediately consumed 85% of all
resources. We however have not received any
confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."
"Our scanners have
picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to
compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to
compensate for their
increase."
"Data, scan the
history banks again and determine if their is something we have
missed."
"Sir, I
believe there is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'.
Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by
not sending in their registration cards.
"Captain we
have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency
escape sequence 3F . . ."
"Wait, Captain; I
just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0%
!"
"Data, what does
your scanners show?"
"Appearently the
Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire'
and it has used up all the CPU capacity."
"Lets wait
and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their
functionality."
. . . Two Hours
Pass . . .
"Geordi, what's the
status on the Borg?"
"As expected the
Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased
CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase
resources I have setup our closest deep space
monitor beacon to transmit more 'windows' modules from
something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.
"How much time will
that buy us ?"
"Current Borg
solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6
more hours."
"Captain, another
vessel has entered our sector."
"Identify."
"It appears to have
markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo"
"THIS IS ADMIRAL
BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE
POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED
SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN
AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"
"The alien ship has
just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of
humanoid shaped objects."
"Magnify forward
viewer on the alien craft"
"Good God
captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the
Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they survive the
tortures of deep space ?!"
"I don't believe
that those are humans sir, if you will look closer I believe you
will see that they are carrying something recognized by
twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and
wearing Armani suits"
"Lawyers !!"
"It can't be. All
the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in
2017 during the Great Awakening."
"True, but
appearently some must have survived."
"They have
surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of
papers."
"I believe that is
known in ancient venacular as 'red tape' it often proves
fatal."
"They're
tearing the Borg to pieces !"
"Turn off the
monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve
that."
Worldwide Web Design was started by a
Brock University graduate to service three sectors: (1) Creating
innovative and affordable webpages at competitive
A Marriage Made in Heaven. There was a
young couple, very much in love, who the night before they were
to be married...
Welcome to our 'Joke of the Month' Page.
'Rule No.1: There is no prejudice allowed here...we make fun of
everyone and we start with you'
(Disclamer)
Welcome to ren's Joke Archive! Important: Please read disclaimer
before continuing. Disclaimer: Some of the jokes in the archive
contain what may be...
still 23
pages to go. How can you tell a guy has a high sperm count ? -
You have to chew before you swallow! The beginning of eternity,
the end of time...
Bill Gates dies in a car
accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St.
Peter.
"Well, Bill, I'm
really confused on this call; I'm not sure where to send you.
After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in
almost every home, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95.
I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case;
I'm going to let you decide whether you want to go to Heaven or
Hell."
Bill replied,
"Well, what's the difference between the two?"
St. Peter: "I'm
willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help
your decision."
Bill: "Fine, but
where should I go first?"
St. Peter: "I'll
leave that up to you."
"Okay then,"
said Bill, "Let's try Hell first." So Bill went to
Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters
and lots of naked women running around, playing in the water,
laughing, and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the
temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased.
"This is
great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY
want to see heaven!"
"Fine," said
St. Peter, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the
clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It
was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a minute,
and rendered his decision.
"Hmmm. I think I'd
prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.
"Fine,"
retorted St. Peter, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went
to Hell.
Two weeks later, St.
Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was
doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a
wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned
and tortured by demons.
"How's everything
going?" he asked Bill.
Bill responded, with his
voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is
awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I
can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other
place, with the beautiful beaches, the naked women playing in the
water?"
"That was the beta
version," replied St. Peter.
Humor and Joke Archive and Collection
Page NETFREAK Funnies. Humor, Jokes, Funnies, and whatever...
This file is composed of humor that I thought was funny and
worthy of being put here. You may be..
Two men camping in the
mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a
little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You
know,we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why
don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day
looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then
tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the
campfire." The second friend agrees and hikes south.
The first man hikes
north. That night over dinner, the first man tells his story.
"Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a
stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a
crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched
deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled
with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How
was your day?"
The second friend says,
"I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I
followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to
the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the
tracks, and we had sex in every imaginable way all
afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely
move, I came back to camp."
"Wow!!" the
first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine.
Did you get a blow job, too?"
"Nah," says
the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her
head."
The teacher is in front of this grade 2
class. She is explaining what they age going to do."O.K.
kids, this morning for english lesson..
The Maths Joke Page. Welcome to the
Maths Jokes Page! Well, you asked for it... I'm afraid that if
you aren't a mathematician, you won't get all that...
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